How I met my Father
The memory is so clear to me, the day I met my dad. I was 4 years old, mom took us for a looong ride. It was exciting, she didn't tell me where we were going only that we were going to have fun. Mom took us to a beach. It was so pretty but different then the sandy shores of New Jersey. I remember a tall skinny man there. He was a handsome man. His hair dark like mine. He knelt down and pulled me closer to him with a hug, he smiled and asked do you know who I am? I shook my head no and he said "I'm your fatha Tammy" I remember looking at him and I did not comprehend what he was saying to me but I remember saying eww your breath smells. He had beer on his breath and I didn't like the smell. What happened after that is gone. I cannot remember the rest of the day.I did not see my dad after that and as an adolescent the guilt I felt deep within me made me physically ill. In the mind of a 7 year old I believed in my heart I made him angry and he disappeared. I mean why would he love a bratty little girl who pushed him away that day on the beach? I tortured myself with self blame and loathing. As an awkward teen I truly believed it was because I was ugly. Into my teen years I was filled with insecurity and I began cutting. I felt unloved, ugly and so much guilt for pushing my father away that day on the beach. My mom always told me it was the war. He was a good man and it was the war that changed him. I didn't understand what that meant.
Through the years as I grew, I searched for him. If I could only apologize maybe he would love me, was my thought. My searches always came up empty, filling the hole in my heart with darkness. One day I was home with my husband and my phone rang. It was my dad. He found me!!! I cannot even begin to describe the joy I felt that day. All my dreams came true.
After that initial call there were visits and phone calls. We had a relationship. I had a new family, the cutest sister, the kindest brother and a caring stepmom. My dad was so funny he would make me laugh on the toughest days. He was so kind and gentle towards me. Though every visit would end with me crying when it was time to say goodbye. With each goodbye I felt he would slip away from me again.
On my last visit to my dad in July 2013 my stepmom could see in my heart, she knew there were things I needed to say to my dad. I told her I was so afraid because I didn't want him to be angry and leave again. She told me I needed to get closure and she left us alone. There we sat and my heart was beating so hard. I didn't want him to feel guilty for anything or get angry at what we were going to discuss.
We talked that day, tears streaming down my face I asked him why? Why dad was I so unlovable that you didn't want to even know me.I apologized for the day on the beach and the look he gave me will stay with me forever. He told me "Don't you dare blame yourself Tammy. I was not a good person when I was young and I made many mistakes but I always believed your mom would find a nice man that would adopt you and could care for you better then I could then." We talked for a long time that day, there were tears, laughs and hugs. It was a day of forgiveness and love.
I admire my father, I love my father, but most of all I give him the highest of respect. My heart goes out to any Vietnam vet, the horror they had to witness could damage any soul. He fought for our country, our freedom and did so with pride. What I didn't understand then I was able to understand now.
I will miss my dad, his voice most of all for when we talked he had such love for me, he made me feel complete. I am grateful for the years that I was able to have a relationship with him and ask God to take care of my dad until I see him again
"I had talked to my dad before he passed, on our last visit and told him about my blog. I asked him if he would mind if I told our story on it, he gave me his permission as he believed it would be healing for me, though I didn't publish this on my personal blog I hope it tells the story of one girls search and the happy ending she was able to obtain"